There was a moment. With your Eleventh self, at his bookstore. I bring him tea, often, that isn't at all out of place. But he was odd and I was odd, and he said--
[Oh this was coming out, no matter what.]
He said that he loved me and that it was funny how the others of you always manage to get to me first. And then he did say that he'd have me if it would be fair. I cannot lie and say that I wouldn't have him if it were fair as well, but what is fair? What does fair mean? I love you, I want you. I love him and want him as well and so it falls the same to your Fourth self. It is Antedan, but it is you. Always you.
[Ril shakes her head and her fingers go to her lips. The words just tumble end over end.]
And I am afraid that it is a terrible thing. I didn't seek this out, but there it is all tangled up inside of me. And the face I would have married is gone and I can't-- I don't know how to explain. I am full of holes and hurt and I all I can do is drown myself in you. You, you, you. And I've seen hurt between yourselves before when there was...was a sharing thing that went badly when Charley returned. I don't want to--
no subject
There was a moment. With your Eleventh self, at his bookstore. I bring him tea, often, that isn't at all out of place. But he was odd and I was odd, and he said--
[Oh this was coming out, no matter what.]
He said that he loved me and that it was funny how the others of you always manage to get to me first. And then he did say that he'd have me if it would be fair. I cannot lie and say that I wouldn't have him if it were fair as well, but what is fair? What does fair mean? I love you, I want you. I love him and want him as well and so it falls the same to your Fourth self. It is Antedan, but it is you. Always you.
[Ril shakes her head and her fingers go to her lips. The words just tumble end over end.]
And I am afraid that it is a terrible thing. I didn't seek this out, but there it is all tangled up inside of me. And the face I would have married is gone and I can't-- I don't know how to explain. I am full of holes and hurt and I all I can do is drown myself in you. You, you, you. And I've seen hurt between yourselves before when there was...was a sharing thing that went badly when Charley returned. I don't want to--
[She sits and shakes her head helplessly.]
I do not hurt those I love.